Domestic violence perpetrators will use several tactics and abuse patterns in order to acquire and maintain control over their victims. Most commonly, society seems to think more about physical abuse when considering what DV can look like. However, certain abuses that fall under the umbrella of psychological abuse–including emotional, verbal and mental–can often be overlooked, even though they are typically a baseline pattern in domestic violence relationships. These abuses are designed to manipulate and degrade victims, to make them second-guess their identity and perception of reality, and to destroy their mental and emotional well-being.
Emotional abuse is just as it sounds; an abuser weaponizes emotions as means of control. Patterns like degradation, belittlement, and invalidation all prey upon and create insecurities through which the abuser deteriorates a survivor’s sense of self and boundaries. Other tactics, such as withholding affection and emotional intimacy, and cutting a victim off from their loved ones, can leave them feeling isolated and in need of affirmation and connection. Just when the survivor is at their lowest and potentially looking for a way out, their abuser will give them a small glimmer of the love and attention the abuser showed in the beginning of relationship. This gives the victim a sense of hope that things in the relationship will improve, and thus the abuser honeymoons them back into a continuing cycle of abuse.
Verbal abuses continue in the same manner as emotional abuse, using words as the weapons. Repetitive name-calling and criticism, such as telling the victim they are “stupid”, “worthless” or “ugly”, or that they are a bad parent, or that no one else will love them or want them around, are intended to shred self-esteem. Verbal abuse can also take on a sexual overtone, with the abuser calling the survivor a “slut” or “whore”, or frequently accusing them of cheating. An abuser will also use verbal abuse to intimidate the victim, including making threats. These threats can include that of physical or sexual abuse, to harm or kill the survivor or those they care about, to leave or file for divorce or custody of shared children, or to threaten suicide. Such tactics can leave victims feeling like they have no choice but comply with their abuser’s demands or expectations, for fear of those threats being carried out.
Mental abuse, or gaslighting, can be a combination of verbal and emotional, and is designed to make a victim doubt their own sanity. Minimization of abuse can lead a survivor to believe they may be “blowing things out of proportion” or are “overly sensitive”. If the abuser unilaterally denies ever committing any abuse, the survivor may question their perception of reality. The abuser can potentially further isolate their victim by way of discrediting them to those who may provide support. Discrediting can paint the victim as irrational, unstable, or untrustworthy, and potentially make it harder for them to get help or leave the abusive relationship.
No matter what type of abuse someone is experiencing, no one ever deserves to be treated that way. Emotional, verbal and mental abuses can leave you feeling like you are somehow less than, that something is wrong or broken about you; none of this is true. However isolated you may be left feeling, know that support is out there. The Staff at the Arkansas Valley Resource Center are available 24 hours day, 7 days a week, and are ready to help whenever you are ready to reach out.
415 Colorado Avenue, La Junta, CO 81050
(719) 384-7764
TTY: (719) 384-1938
After Hours Colorado Relay dial 711 or 1-800-659-2656
AVRC is non-discriminatory agency regarding age, race, religion, color, gender, country of national origin, sexual orientation, mental health status, substance use or economic condition.