A common question regarding intimate partner violence is, “Why won’t a victim just leave their abusive partner?” The answer to this question is potentially related to the Cycle of Trauma Bonding.
But what exactly does the term “Trauma Bonding” even mean?
Trauma bonding is a deep and pervasive form of attachment that is developed between a victim and their abuser. The bonds are built through methodic cycles of abuse and affection, and can be a key reason behind why a victim may go back to their abuser, even when being very aware of what risks they could face upon returning. Trauma bonds are built on foundations of power imbalance, and fostered through confusing and conflicting emotions, such as guilt, sympathy, and love.
From a more physiological lens, trauma bonding can impact a victim’s nervous system through the release of dopamine, the “feel-good hormone”, when their abuser demonstrates apologetic or loving and romantic behaviors. This creates a desperate and addictive pattern within the relationship, with the victim seeking and craving that rush of dopamine, almost seemingly to the point of ignoring the harm that comes before or after. This pattern allows abusers to manipulate and “hack” their victim’s brain chemistry to maintain control over them and essentially keep them “hooked” on the abuser and the relationship.
Signs of Trauma Bonding can include:
- Regularly feeling the need to weigh the good aspects within your partner against their ongoing patterns of abuse.
- Finding yourself defending the relationship to others.
- Friends and/or family encouraging you to leave the relationship.
- Repeated (and often unfulfilled) promises from your partner that they will change or “do better”.
- Holding on to hope that things will get better, but still feeling trapped or helpless within the relationship.
- Believing that you can change or “fix” your abusive partner, and/or them making you feel that your “failure” to fix them is because you don’t love them enough/aren’t trying hard enough.
- Continuing to remain in the relationship despite having consistent uncertainty about whether or not you can trust your partner, or if you are safe with them.
Recognizing and acknowledging that you are in a cycle of trauma bonding is the first step in working toward ending that cycle in your life. It is possible to leave, no matter how deep in the cycle you may feel you are. DomesticShelters.org shares an article that details further steps to identify, exit, and recovery from trauma bonded relationships.
Know that you are not alone in your experiences, that your feelings and need are valid, and that support is available to you, whether you are just starting to recognize a trauma bond in your relationship, if you are trying to escape an abusive partner, or if you are seeking recovery from the trauma bonding cycle.
If you have questions regarding trauma bonding, or if you or someone you care about is in an abusive relationship, staff at the Arkansas Valley Resource Center are available for support 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
415 Colorado Avenue, La Junta, CO 81050
(719) 384-7764
TTY: (719) 384-1938
After Hours Colorado Relay dial 711 or 1-800-659-2656
AVRC is non-discriminatory agency regarding age, race, religion, color, gender, country of national origin, sexual orientation, mental health status, substance use or economic condition.