Consent is a key component for safe and healthy sexual relationships. Foundationally, consent demonstrates respect for all parties involved in an encounter, recognizes boundaries, and ensures that everyone is safe and able to enjoy the experience. But what exactly is consent? By definition, consent is permission for something to happen or agreement to do something, but there is so more to it that just that. One of the easiest way to remember what consent should look like is to remember:
Consent = F.R.I.E.S.
An individual who is being threatened, mentally or emotionally manipulated, or forced, whether physically or otherwise, cannot give consent. Consent is entirely voluntary, and given without fear of harm, guilt, or pressure of any kind.
-“You are my spouse, so you are obligated to have sex with me.”
-“I bought you dinner, so you owe me something in return!”
-“They said they would break up with me if I didn’t have sex with them.”
No matter the circumstances, consent is reversible at any time. Meaning, even if you are in the middle of an encounter, are married, or have had previous encounters with someone, consent can be revoked for any reason, at any moment.
-“How could I have raped you? We’re married!”
-“We can’t stop now! I was almost finished!”
-“We did that before, why can’t we again?”
You cannot give informed consent with only partial information about a person or situation. Moreover, someone who is a minor or who is under the influence of drugs or alcohol cannot give consent, as they are not able to fully and clearly understand what they may be consenting to.
-“I didn’t think I needed to tell you I have multiple sexual partners.”
-“Yeah, they were super drunk, but they still seemed into it.”
-“They didn’t tell me they had an STI!”
Consent should be given with an eager and resounding “Yes”, not a hesitant and apprehensive “Maybe”. All parties involved should be certain, eager, and acting from a place of mutual and reciprocated enjoyment.
-“They nodded yes, but still seemed uncertain.”
-“I don’t think I am ready, but I guess we can try.”
Consent in and of itself is a boundary, and should be clearly communicated, defined, and focused on the present interaction. Expectations, wants, and limitations are grounded in the immediate interaction between present individuals, not past interactions or individuals.
-“I told them I didn’t like that, but they did it anyway.”
-“My ex liked when I did that, so I assumed you would, too.”
-“I know you are sick, but can we still do it like we did last time?”
There are no circumstances in which sex can occur without consent. If even one element of consent isn’t abided by, then there is no consent. For any physical or sexual interaction to be consensual, it must be free from pressure, respecting of the word “no”, transparent and well-informed, willing and excited, and clearly defined. Seeking explicit verbal consent is the best way to ensure that everyone involved is safe and a willing participant.
If you or someone you know is a survivor of sexual violence, know that you aren’t alone, your voice matters, and support is available. AVRC Staff are available for support 24 hours a day, 7 days a week!
415 Colorado Avenue, La Junta, CO 81050
(719) 384-7764
TTY: (719) 384-1938
After Hours Colorado Relay dial 711 or 1-800-659-2656
AVRC is non-discriminatory agency regarding age, race, religion, color, gender, country of national origin, sexual orientation, mental health status, substance use or economic condition.