TRIGGER WARNING: The following article contains information regarding highly sensitive subjects, including sexual violence, intimate partner violence/domestic violence, miscarriage, pregnancy, drugs and alcohol, and abuse. This article is intended for awareness and educational purposes.
Did you know that 21.4% of sexual assaults in the United States are perpetrated by someone the victim is or has been in an intimate relationship with? Per Colorado’s statutory definition of “intimate relationship”, this can include a spouse, dating partner, or the co-parent of a mutual child. Even more concerning, victims of intimate partner sexual violence are at greater risk of being murdered by their abusers. Sexual violence within intimate partner relationships can take on many forms, and, rather than achieving sexual gratification for the abuser, it is more about exerting power over the victim in order to control them.
By definition, coercion is “persuading someone to do something by using force and threats.” Sexually coercive behaviors are abuse tactics used by perpetrators to force, manipulate, or threaten their victims into unwanted sexual interactions. These behaviors can include:
- Emotional coercion, such as insisting the victim “prove” their love through sex (“If you really love me, you would show me by having sex with me whenever I ask for it”), making the victim feel like they have to use sex to placate their abuser so they won’t get angry, or the victim having sex with the abuser, even when the victim doesn’t want to, to try to prevent infidelity on the abuser’s part.
- Making threats of physical harm, to end the relationship, to find someone else to have sex with, or to share intimate photos if the victim won’t meet the abuser’s demands for sex.
- The abuser insisting that because they and the victim are married, they are owed sex, or that it is the marital “duty” of the partner to have sex with the abuser whenever they want.
- Mental coercion–Even after the victim says no to having sex, the abuser repeatedly asks for sex until the victim feels like they have no choice but to “change their mind” to get the abuser to stop.
- The abuser using drugs and/or alcohol in an attempt to make the victim more pliable and easily manipulated or forced into sex.
- The abuser threatening to or outright withholding money or basic daily necessities from the victim to force compliance with the abuser’s sexual demands.
Reproductive abuse, or “reproductive coercion” is characterized by an abuser trying to control a victim’s reproductive choices and health, with the greater goal of gaining or maintaining control over the victim’s life. By taking away a victim’s right of choice and informed consent, the abuser can more easily make the victim dependent upon them, isolate them, humiliate them, or harm their physical and reproductive health. Reproductive abuse patterns can include:
- The abuser not disclosing to the victim that the abuser has Sexually Transmitted Infections (STI’s) and/or knowingly exposing the victim to STI’s.
- Hiding, withholding, destroying, replacing, or tampering with a victim’s contraceptives, often with the goal of causing a pregnancy the victim doesn’t want. This can consist of poking holes into condoms, switching out birth control pills with placebos, or deliberately doing things to reduce the efficacy of the contraceptives.
- The abuser causing the victim to become repeatedly pregnant over a brief time frame. This can often be in an effort to limit the victim’s ability to obtain or maintain employment, thus causing them to be dependent upon the abuser and make it harder for the victim to leave the abusive relationship.
- The abuser misleading the victim about their contraceptive use, such as saying they have had a vasectomy, have an IUD implant, or are taking oral birth control, in an attempt to forgo use of other contraceptive methods, like condoms.
- Forcing a victim to end a pregnancy they wanted, either through mental or emotional coercion or threats, or by physically assaulting the victim in an attempt to cause a miscarriage.
- The abuser outright refusing to use condoms, or removing their condom just before or during sex, also referred to as “stealthing”.
- The abuser using intimidation, threats, and/or financial abuse to prevent the victim from accessing contraceptives or an abortion, in order to cause or continue an unwanted pregnancy.
Intimate partner rape, or “marital rape”, happens when, without consent from the victim, a spouse/partner forces the victim to participate in unwanted sexual acts, including using physical force and/or threats to enact penetration or intercourse. It is important to make very clear, regardless of the length or status of an intimate relationship, no one is “owed” sex, and sex is not a “duty” to be carried out by someone. It also doesn’t matter if intimate partners have had sex once or one hundred times before, consent is required for every new sexual interaction.
Unfortunately, it is often seen in marital rape cases that the abuser denies rape has occurred, asserting that because they and the victim have had sex before, or because they are married, consent was implied. This argument tries to blur the lines surrounding consent in long-term or marital relationships. In reality, consent is an ongoing, comprehensive, and active practice involving clear communication and affirmation that is free from coercion, threat, or force. Per Colorado State University’s Survivor Advocacy and Foundational Education Center, the State of Colorado defines consent as: Cooperation in act and attitude, exercise of free will, and knowledge of what’s happening. All this to say, if someone is unenthusiastic or apprehensive, feels coerced or like they have no choice, and/or is under the influence of drugs or alcohol, consent cannot be given and any proceeding sexual interaction is sexual assault.
Regardless of an individual’s sexual or romantic orientation or relationship status, everyone deserves their right to consent, choice, and safety. Healthy relationships are built on foundations of trust, respect, and boundaries. If a partner repeatedly disrespects your boundaries and violates your consent, you may likely be in an abusive relationship. Know that you are not alone!
The Staff at the Arkansas Valley Resource Center are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. No matter what you are going through, know that help is available and all you have to to do is reach out!
415 Colorado Avenue, La Junta, CO 81050
(719) 384-7764
TTY: (719) 384-1938
After Hours Colorado Relay dial 711 or 1-800-659-2656
AVRC is non-discriminatory agency regarding age, race, religion, color, gender, country of national origin, sexual orientation, mental health status, substance use or economic condition.